It’s both—nurture and nature, with a heavy dose of modern convenience enabling stagnation.
Nurture: Parents Set the Standard
If a 24-year-old is still living at home, paying no rent, and living in filth, it’s because they were allowed to. Somewhere along the line, boundaries weren’t set, or worse, excuses were made for their lack of responsibility. If a kid grows up without being expected to contribute, clean, or handle their own affairs, why would they suddenly develop that instinct at 24?
Nature: The Man-Child Phenomenon
The internet, social media, and endless entertainment loops have created a generation of dopamine addicts. Everything is instant - food, entertainment, validation. No patience required. No effort necessary. Compare that to past generations, where necessity forced maturity. At 24, many Boomers were married, working full-time, and raising kids. Today? Some 24-year-olds can barely cook a meal.
So Who’s to Blame?
Parents? For coddling, enabling, or overprotecting.
The Culture? For making it easy to be passive, comfortable, and avoid responsibility.
The Individual? For not waking up and realizing they’re wasting their life.
At 24, this person is an adult - not a victim of upbringing or the internet. They have a choice. And if they’re still living like a child, the real question is:
Great points, Mike! IMHO, it really is a combination of both—how someone is raised and the environment they grow up in. After all, when comfort requires no effort, stagnation becomes the default. At some point, though, personal responsibility—for both the parent and the adult child—has to kick in. The real challenge is breaking free from that cycle when, as you pointed out, everything around them makes staying the same so easy.
I could have an hourlong conversation about this post. 1. As the child who hung on to help from both of my parents over and over again through different periods of my adult life, I can tell you that sometimes I really did need the help, but mostly, I utilized their unceasing willingness to support me (even if they resented it, and I don't know how they couldn't have). Unless your friend's son is emotionally disabled, or physically, for that matter, my opinion is that she needs to kick him to the curb and if she feels guilty about it, she might consider doing some work around the guilt. Detaching with love would be a great gift in the long run for both of them. Which is not to say that it won't be hard, painful, extremely uncomfortable, and probably sticky. But until I cut financial/support ties with my parents, I wasn't living a full or honest life. These changes only came within the last 15 years for me. I truly believe that your friend is doing her son a disservice by enabling his inertia. Even in a difficult economy, there are ways to survive and even thrive, even if it might require some sacrifices. I know plenty of people his age who are living independent lives in expensive cities. They have roommates, they watch their spending, and they grow up. See? I told you I have a lot to say on this topic! I'm grateful to my parents for how they helped when I really needed it. But sounds like the folks in your post both need a loving kick in the ass. xo
Absolutely, Nan! I couldn’t agree more. While support is crucial when truly needed, constant enabling only holds both the parent and child back. Detaching with love may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s a gift for both of them. Unfortunately, I know a few moms like this—including a close relative—and let’s just say they are not exactly open to my insights. IMHO that “loving kick in the ass” is necessary for both the adult child and the parent. You put it all so perfectly!
Thanks, Mary. Getting caught in that trap of guilt mixed with love never works. It's damaging for all. Hope you're doing well. I love reading your essays.
It’s both—nurture and nature, with a heavy dose of modern convenience enabling stagnation.
Nurture: Parents Set the Standard
If a 24-year-old is still living at home, paying no rent, and living in filth, it’s because they were allowed to. Somewhere along the line, boundaries weren’t set, or worse, excuses were made for their lack of responsibility. If a kid grows up without being expected to contribute, clean, or handle their own affairs, why would they suddenly develop that instinct at 24?
Nature: The Man-Child Phenomenon
The internet, social media, and endless entertainment loops have created a generation of dopamine addicts. Everything is instant - food, entertainment, validation. No patience required. No effort necessary. Compare that to past generations, where necessity forced maturity. At 24, many Boomers were married, working full-time, and raising kids. Today? Some 24-year-olds can barely cook a meal.
So Who’s to Blame?
Parents? For coddling, enabling, or overprotecting.
The Culture? For making it easy to be passive, comfortable, and avoid responsibility.
The Individual? For not waking up and realizing they’re wasting their life.
At 24, this person is an adult - not a victim of upbringing or the internet. They have a choice. And if they’re still living like a child, the real question is:
Why would they change if life is this easy?
Great points, Mike! IMHO, it really is a combination of both—how someone is raised and the environment they grow up in. After all, when comfort requires no effort, stagnation becomes the default. At some point, though, personal responsibility—for both the parent and the adult child—has to kick in. The real challenge is breaking free from that cycle when, as you pointed out, everything around them makes staying the same so easy.
I could have an hourlong conversation about this post. 1. As the child who hung on to help from both of my parents over and over again through different periods of my adult life, I can tell you that sometimes I really did need the help, but mostly, I utilized their unceasing willingness to support me (even if they resented it, and I don't know how they couldn't have). Unless your friend's son is emotionally disabled, or physically, for that matter, my opinion is that she needs to kick him to the curb and if she feels guilty about it, she might consider doing some work around the guilt. Detaching with love would be a great gift in the long run for both of them. Which is not to say that it won't be hard, painful, extremely uncomfortable, and probably sticky. But until I cut financial/support ties with my parents, I wasn't living a full or honest life. These changes only came within the last 15 years for me. I truly believe that your friend is doing her son a disservice by enabling his inertia. Even in a difficult economy, there are ways to survive and even thrive, even if it might require some sacrifices. I know plenty of people his age who are living independent lives in expensive cities. They have roommates, they watch their spending, and they grow up. See? I told you I have a lot to say on this topic! I'm grateful to my parents for how they helped when I really needed it. But sounds like the folks in your post both need a loving kick in the ass. xo
Absolutely, Nan! I couldn’t agree more. While support is crucial when truly needed, constant enabling only holds both the parent and child back. Detaching with love may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s a gift for both of them. Unfortunately, I know a few moms like this—including a close relative—and let’s just say they are not exactly open to my insights. IMHO that “loving kick in the ass” is necessary for both the adult child and the parent. You put it all so perfectly!
Thanks, Mary. Getting caught in that trap of guilt mixed with love never works. It's damaging for all. Hope you're doing well. I love reading your essays.
Thanks to your advice, Nan, I’m improving with every post. Your wisdom and perspective mean so much to me. I always look forward to your essays!
Thanks, Mary!